"God, let my faith be real!"

At a church service earlier this year, I was in the middle of worship, and all of a sudden looked up and thought “This is all fake.” Instantly, I not only didn’t feel God’s presence, but completely doubted His existence. With that one thought my whole world seemed to be flipped upside down and my joy was stripped from me immediately. It was the scariest feeling I have ever had. Could it be that the last 9 years of my life I had wholeheartedly believed in something that wasn’t real? I started to rationalize every “God” experience and came up with a logical explanation for what “really” happened in those periods of my life.

Jamesdon was wrecked because if I truly believed that God didn’t exist, it would change everything. How would our marriage last without Jesus being in the center?  How would we raise our kids? What would our lives look like without God being in everything we do? I watched Jamesdon struggle through all of this and because of my commitment to him, I continued to go to church on Sunday’s. Plus there was no way Daniel would have let that one go without questions that I would be unable to answer. I continued to pray with my boys every night (when I tried to sneak out of the room after kissing them goodnight, Daniel would ask “Mama, could you please pray!”  I would try to tell him that I wanted him to pray instead, but he would say “No mama, I like it when you pray”) That was probably the most difficult part; praying to a wall, with absolutely no faith that anyone is listening. 

For two months, God wasn’t distant, He was nonexistent. Because of the complete devastation to my family, I started playing the Devil’s advocate “Okay, so if I don’t believe in God, what do I believe?” As I ran through my options of what I would have to believe if I didn’t believe in God, they all sounded crazy. So one morning I woke up and said “Okay God, I am going to choose you.” Now this was not at all a spiritual moment that had some huge significance in my life, it was just a moment that I decided to follow a God that I was still pretty sure didn’t exist. That weekend at church there was a call for prayer and I forced myself to get up out of my chair and kneel down at the front of the Senior Center. Soon I felt a hand resting on my shoulder, but it took a few minutes before she started praying. When she did start praying, she told me that she felt like God wanted her to tell me that He knows exactly where I am and that He knows that this is not a place of comfort, but that He has me in this place because He wants my faith to be real! So that became my new prayer “God, let my faith be real!” Again, my mind was not changed overnight, but between these two occurrences, I slowly began to feel my joy coming back, and soon enough I was able to be at church and actually worship God again. 

Some people may have called what I experienced “a spiritual attack” but looking back I think it was exactly what God said it was, a period of time in which He shook me so hard that when He was done I had a faith that was more real than I had ever experienced. What better timing than right before all of these issues with Daniel’s adoption. He totally knew what was coming and wanted to make sure that I was ready to follow Him wherever He called us. So that is where I am! Ready to go, with a faith that is undeniably real!

An update…

Jamesdon and the boys leave on August 28^th and I will leave on September 21^st (3 ½ weeks after).  We have had an overwhelming amount of support that has continued since our last post and are incredibly excited for what God has in store for us in Uganda. The fundraiser this past Friday at The Baguetier (Simply Layered Cake Designs) in Huntington Beach, was another overwhelming and amazing expression of generosity by our community and also just another way for God to be glorified in the middle of a city that desperately needs to experience God. For anyone who was there when Daniel was worshipping alongside Will and Sally know exactly what I mean when I say that God was on display! We are so incredibly thankful for all of the people who continue to support our family in prayer. When we first started to realize what was happening with all of Daniel’s paperwork we had no idea how we would be able to afford this trip, and here we are a week away from leaving with the majority of our trip fully covered, plane tickets, visas, vaccinations and lawyer fees included! Although there is still an uncertainty about the length of our stay, we are certain that God has us covered for however long He wants us to stay!

Please continue to pray for…

• Preparations to leave (packing up our house into storage and tying up loose ends)
• The 20 plus hours Jamesdon will spend on the plane with the boys (this does not include layovers and traveling time to and from the airports.)
• Our family being apart for nearly 4 weeks (Jamesdon being a “single” dad in Uganda)
• A court date
• That are hearts will be ready to love the people of Uganda and that our ears would hear and our eyes would see how God wants to use our family to further His kingdom.